Eureka
by panatlantic
Summary: a potion fic! (yes. ... one of THOSE potions)[COMPLETE]
1. Default Chapter

"Eureka!" Watari murmured to himself, having found just the right combination of chemicals. . . he knew it had to be possible. . . and now? Well now he just needed the perfect guinea pig. . . er. . . test subject. Of course testing it on himself was out of the question. Absolutely not. A scientist needed to remain objective and observe, and in the extremely unlikely case something did go wrong. . . well he'd be needed to fix it (though it was extremely unlikely after all).  
  
Now. . . who was available, extremely gullible, and had a strong stomach (even though, as previously mentioned, it was extremely unlikely anything would go wrong, it never hurt to have the best specimen). He even had to ask himself?  
  
************************************************************  
  
"You want someone to help with an experiment?" Tatsumi asked incuriously as he continued to sort through papers.  
  
"Hn." Nodded Watari in the affirmative.  
  
"Well we haven't got any cases at the moment, and as long as the other person consents" Watari felt a trickle of sweat at this stipulation ". . . and it doesn't interfere with their ability to work. . . " Sweatdrop. "Or cause financial or statorial problems for the department. . . " Tatsumi stopped. "Please use Tsuzuki preferentially, he does the least amount of work anyway." Confided Tatsumi coming across a sheaf of paperwork in pink and yellow crayon which could only belong to the purple-eyed shinigami.  
  
Both men left the office with the feeling of a personal victory.  
  
************************************************************  
  
"TSU~ZU~KI!" Watari whispered menacingly to the unconscious mass.  
  
Hisoka watched on with a disgusted look on his face having tried unsuccessfully to coax his partner into doing some paper work - or at least wake-up, for the last few days.  
  
"Waaa!! I'm sorry Tatsumi I couldn't find a pen!" Yelped puppy swiveling to grab the other mans collar in a display of desperation. "Oh. It's you Watari." With that he settled down to sleep some more.  
  
Hisoka watched in wonder as Watari merely lifted puppy's ear and blew.  
  
"Hanyaaan. . . " Chibi-Tsuzuki drawled happily. "I'm awake! I'm awake! What is it Watari?"  
  
For future reference Hisoka made a mental note that where yelling and shaking had had no effect, blowing in his ear did. It would be pretty irritating if you were trying to sleep, he concluded. He'd have to try it himself next time.  
  
"How would you like to help me with a little experiment?"  
  
************************************************************  
  
"What have I done. . . " Murmured Tatsumi to himself, as he saw Watari leading Tsuzuki down the hallway by the hand. ". . . like a lamb to the slaughter. . . "  
  
"Chibichan! Chibichan!" Sang Tsuzuki to himself as he was lead down the hall with visions of all the sweets he'd be able to con form Saya and Yuma dancing in his head.  
  
"Tsuzuki. . . that's not the experiment we're doing." Explained Watari for the umpteenth time.  
  
"That's not the experiment we were doing then either!" Chirped Tsuzuki pleased with his own leap in logic.  
  
'No mercy. . . ' Thought Watari bitterly.  
  
************************************************************  
  
"Tsuzuki! I've done it!" Watari exclaimed when they reached the lab, forgetting the slight of moments before in the excitement.  
  
"Ehhh. . . ?"  
  
"I've made it. . . my gender-modifying formula!"  
  
"Ehhhhhh?!?!?!?"  
  
"And you're going to be my first test subject!"  
  
"EHHHHHH?!??!"  
  
"All you need to do is. . . "  
  
". . . .obviously you have mistaken the absolute horror in my voice at finding out the nature of this experiment for consent." Stated Tsuzuki in a rare moment of seriousness. "Iie!" Puppy stated blowing his tongue at Watari.  
  
Mmm. Chocolate.  
  
"Demo. . . I thought. . . "  
  
"Iie!"  
  
Well as long as he came all this way and there were snacks. . .  
  
"I'll buy you. . . "  
  
"Iie!"  
  
"Why not?" Asked Watari genuinely surprised at his comrades' reluctance.  
  
"It's a perversion of the way things should be! It's just not right!"  
  
"Tsuzuki. . . I never knew you felt so strongly. . . "  
  
"Because women give chocolate to men on Valentines Day so I must remain male!" Tsuzuki declared holding one fist to the heavens triumphantly.  
  
Itadakimasu! Munch Munch.  
  
"What are you eating?"  
  
"Chocorat." Tsuzuki replied through a mouthful pointing toward the now empty plate.  
  
"Ah. Well. It will be temporary. . . maybe one, two days at the most before it wears off."  
  
"What wears off?" Asked Tsuzuki liking the chocolate from his fingers. Wait. . . something about Watari and chocolates. . .  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
************************************************************  
  
"WA-KA-BA-chan!" Chimed Watari from the entrance to her office.  
  
"Watari?"  
  
"I have some thing very interesting you might like to see. . . " He giggled. Wakaba raised an eyebrow. ". . . and I need to borrow a few things. . . " he added conspiratorially.  
  
Not being one to miss out on a good mystery Wakaba and Watari merrily skipped back to the lab.  
  
************************************************************  
  
"Oh my. . . it's better than I expected!" Commented Wakaba applying the last touches of mascara.  
  
"Subarashii desu ne."  
  
"Iie." Pouted Tsuzuki. "Hisoka will tease me."  
  
"I doubt he'd even recognize you!" Beamed Wakaba.  
  
Hisoka chose that exact moment to enter the lab.  
  
Wakaba froze.  
  
Watari froze.  
  
The poor woman they had harangued into doing. . . well whatever it was they were doing froze.  
  
"I thought. . . "  
  
They all looked at him expectedly. He blushed under the scrutiny.  
  
"I thought Tsuzuki was down here. . . sorry to bother. . . "  
  
The woman burst into tears.  
  
Hisoka scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. He was sure. . . somewhere. . .  
  
"I can pass along a message if you like?" Offered Watari casually while Wakaba assented with a nod. Much too casually... considering the wailing from behind them.  
  
"Alright." He mumbled defeatedly trying to get another look at their hostage and they stepped in front of him again grinning like idiots. "We have to report to Konoe immediately, I'll. . . keep looking now. . . somewhere else. . . far away from here." He finished nervously backing out.  
  
"Kurosaki. . . have you seen Wakaba?" Whined Terazuma in the hall.  
  
"She's with Watari." Hisoka replied absently as Terazuma stormed into the lab.  
  
"WA! KA!. . . ba. . . ?" He managed to get out before losing control of his voice. Watari and Wakaba were engrossed in the bawling woman while 003 hopped excitedly up and down the length of the bench. All four looked around at his boisterous entrance with shocked looks on their faces. Not least the crying woman who.. had an awfully close resemblance to. . .  
  
"Hajime-chan!" Wakaba gasped.  
  
"Kannuki-chan. . . I'm having that bad dream again. . . " Terazuma whispered with an edge of fear in his voice.  
  
"Eh. . . lets go get some coffee. . . ne Hajime-chan? Hajime-chan. . . ?" She waved a hand in front of her dazed partners' face.  
  
". . . haiiii~" He mumbled weakly following his partner from the office.  
  
Watari looked back at a smirking Tsuzuki, who immediately wiped the look from his face and replaced it with the miserable one.  
  
"I can't go see Konoe like this. . . " Wailed Tsuzuki wiping his nose on the sleeve of Wakaba's jacket, while tugging on the matching mini skirt.  
  
"Stop that Tsuzuki. . . you'll mess up your make-up!" Scolded Watari absently, only to receive a fresh bout of tears in reply. "I did kind of guarantee Tatsumi this experiment wouldn't affect your ability to work. . . "  
  
"Tatsumi said you could do this?" Wailed Tsuzuki even louder now.  
  
"There's only one way I can see around this!"  
  
************************************************************  
  
Konoe, Tatsumi and Hisoka looked up askance as Watari led the Meifu equivalent of the invisible man into the meeting room. Tsuzuki. . . if that even was him, was dressed in his usual trench coat buttoned all the way through, hat, sunglasses, scarf, gloves. . . and a fair number of bandages to cover anything else that was showing.  
  
"Tsuzuki. . . ?" Deduced Tatsumi. "I presume you have not broken any of the terms we agreed to Watari."  
  
"You! You DID let him do this!" Yelled Tsuzuki pointing an accusing finger. At least that's what it was supposed to be. Instead it came out through a number of layers as "Mff! Mff MFFF Mf Mf Mf!!!!"  
  
"Eh. . . I assure you there's no reason Tsuzuki would be unable to do his job. . . "  
  
"Mff! MFFFU!!!"  
  
Hisoka slapped his hand against his forehead with the realization that things had, indeed, just gotten worse.  
  
"Bon, take good care of Tsuzuki-chan on this mission! You should be able to remove the bandages by the time you get to Chijou so Tsuzuki can use his ofuda! Ja~~! *heart* "  
  
"MFFMFFFmffffff mfffm ffu!!" Tsuzuki screamed at Watari's back as he left the room, Hisoka was quite convinced one gloved hand had flipped Watari the bird, and he didn't mean 003. He collapsed on the desk in defeat as Watari went out of range.  
  
"Ah. . . Tsuzuki, since you missed the briefing, Hisoka will fill you on the mission when you get to Chijou."  
  
"Mfffu."  
  
************************************************************  
  
"Tsuzuki!" Chided Hisoka. "Stay still!"  
  
Tsuzuki just backed off away from Hisoka's hands which were reaching out to remove the bandages. "Stay still!" He demanded. "Watari said they could come off now!"  
  
Tsuzuki just shook his head in protest.  
  
"You can't leave them on! You look too weird like that! We're not supposed to raise attention! I bet you can't even use your ofuda in those. . . those. . . " Hisoka trailed off as the scarf finally came loose.  
  
". . . well aren't you going to laugh?" Asked Tsuzuki miserably into the silence.  
  
Hisoka was finding it very difficult to not ogle his partner who had fallen to the ground in the tussle. It wasn't that he wasn't normally attracted to Tsuzuki. . . just. . . more so.  
  
"Baka! Whatever possessed you to let Watari do that?" Noticing tears starting to form in his.. her. . . Tsuzuki's eyes, he amended. "It's not so bad. . . I guess. . . like a disguise. . . " He rolled his eye's in exasperation.  
  
"Honto desu?"  
  
"Yeah. Just get up already, you're creating a scene!"  
  
Having removed the bandages Tsuzuki stood up letting the trench coat hang open. "'Soka loves me no matter what I look like!" He cried happily glomping the boys arm.  
  
"Baka. . . lets go. . . we have a lost soul to locate. . . . It IS only temporary. . . right?" 


	2. There's something about Tsuzuki...

Ch 2. There's something about Tsuzuki. . .  
  
The bitch was back. . .  
  
"Hisoka. . . wait up!" Inu-Tsuzuki whined latching onto Hisoka's arm again.  
  
"Walk faster!"  
  
. . . and she'd bought friends.  
  
The colour spectrum applauded as Hisoka found a new shade of red to turn at finding his arm nestled between Tsuzuki's breasts.  
  
"I can't!" He. . . she. . . replied tearfully. "It's these shoes!" Wailed Tsuzuki pointing at his feet.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!?!"  
  
"It's a classic 4" heel with a sexy, removable ankle strap." Replied Tsuzuki verbatim.  
  
"WHY?"  
  
"My shoes didn't fit anymore." Tsuzuki explained, lip starting to quiver.  
  
"WAKABA DOESN'T WEAR . . . THOSE!" Exclaimed Hisoka indignantly.  
  
". . . Wakaba had to borrow them from Yuma since I have smaller feet than her. . . . See Watari says that my body mass stays the same just gets reassigned to other places, like most parts of me got smaller (some bits gone altogether) but I did get these really nice. . . " Hisoka interrupted seeing where this was going as Tsuzuki indicated his. . . . Torso.  
  
"I get the general idea!" He massaged his temples in a futile gesture to ward off the migraine he was developing. "Yuma knows?"  
  
"And Saya!" Chirped Tsuzuki.  
  
"Did everyone know about this except me?" Asked Hisoka poutily.  
  
"Hmm. . . nope! Just Watari, Yuma, Saya, Wakaba and Terazuma."  
  
"Terazuma? No. . . don't answer that.. " He gave a defeated sigh. "I suppose we need to get some more practical footwear before following up the Shiryou (knowing my luck you'll break your ankle if you remain in those things). " Jinx!  
  
"Sankyuu!" Tsuzuki making a leap to glomp Hisoka again. . . Unfortunately Hisoka was equipped with inu-radar and out of habit sidestepped. . . . Mistake. . . big mistake.  
  
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"Itetetete. . . " Moaned Tsuzuki clasping his. . . her. . . ankle as Hisoka helped him sit in the booth at a café that had no other claim to fame than being the closest place to the scene. "Gomen nasai Hisoka." Muttered a miserable Tsuzuki. The manager of the store was quick to offer an ice pack but Hisoka suspected this had more to do with the way that Tsuzuki's skirt was riding high than any genuine concern.  
  
"It's okay Tsuzuki, I don't think it's broken." Hisoka had already resigned himself that today would be hell. Best not to make it worse by having the baka blubbering as well.  
  
"'Soka is so. . . so. . . good to me!" Wailed Tsuzuki releasing a new torrent of tears. Hisoka felt liked slapping himself.  
  
"Baka. Just stay here. Keep your foot raised!" He took his jacket off folding it to cushion Tsuzuki's foot on the seat opposite. "With your accelerated healing it shouldn't need anything else, I'll see if I can get some shoes you can actually walk in."  
  
"'Sokaaaaaa. . . . Arigatooooou."  
  
"Keep your sunglasses on, your eye's are too distinctive. . . and for Enma's sake keep your knees together!"  
  
". . . " Somewhere in the last hour Inu-Tsuzuki had evolved into a fox. It wasn't that big of an evolutionary leap really since foxes also belonged to the canine family. Kitsune-Tsuzuki melted Hisoka's defenses with a single smile.  
  
"I have to go now. . . " He muttered to no one in particular, starting to feel faint.  
  
"Don't worry kid, I'll take good care of your sister!" Cheered the shop manager.  
  
"'Soka?" Called Tsuzuki to Hisoka who was currently using his best scowl (usually reserved for Tsuzuki) on the manager). "Make sure they match this!" He cried holding up a black handbag. "Wakaba said it's really important!"  
  
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Tsuzuki was discovering it took more concentration than expected to keep his knee's touching at all times. This proved to be incredibly awkward, especially when one leg was raised slightly. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why it was necessary either, but since Hisoka had insisted, it was probably important. . . or maybe just an etiquette thing. . . Hisoka was pretty pedantic when it came to table manners and stuff. The remaining number of brain cells was divided between anticipation for the pie he'd ordered and the pain in his ankle, which, as Hisoka suspected, was just rolled (most of the pain had already subsided).  
  
So caught up in this three way division of brain resources, he failed to notice someone come to stand behind him. Thankfully it hadn't rendered Tsuzuki insensate (as hypothesized by several colleges) and he reacted with suitable horror when someone started to suck his neck while groping his chest.  
  
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Muraki stared at his hands in shock. Since when did. . . no. . . it was just some woman. Admittedly she had a high spiritual capability, but obviously no training or real knowledge of it since her only defense at his.. ahem. . . case of mistaken identity had been to whack him across the head with her handbag. Now she was backed up against the far end of the table brandishing a bread knife.  
  
"I'm awfully sorry miss. . . " Schmoozed Muraki, "I assure you, I mistook you for... a friend of mine." This didn't seem to comfort her at all, she stepped further back, tripping on her over-sized trench coat (Muraki noted the same one that convinced him he'd found his favorite pet) and in a flash of pink panties was sprawled on the floor.  
  
"Miss. . . "  
  
"Ite!" She cried miserably, clutching her ankle which had buckled under her when she tried to put weight on it.  
  
"Please.. I'm a doctor. . . " He tried as she withdrew again. Ironically, he knew he had looks and charisma enough to make any woman want to give herself to him, but it seemed if you touched the woman up first she wasn't so eager to give you permission. What a delightful challenge. . . but how could he possibly refuse such a prize? She was a dead ringer for Tsuzuki. . . he giggled to himself at the pun. . . he just knew the dark haired shinigami would appreciate it. . . after he'd tapped off all that delectable spiritual energy of course.  
  
Ah, and finally the pain had gotten the better of her, she slowly extended her ankle with a wretched pout for him to examine.  
  
"I think it might be broken." He replied strait faced giving the foot a callous twist.  
  
"Ahh! But my friend said it was just twisted!"  
  
"Oh. Is your friend a doctor?" He asked.  
  
"Well. . . no. . . " Pout. Tears.  
  
'No. I didn't think so.' He smirked. The woman was now hanging off his every word as he described the possibilities of it being set wrong if not treated straight away. "I'm a doctor at a nearby hospital. I suggest you come with me and get an x-ray!" He tried to keep the note of triumph out of his voice as he finished.  
  
"Oh. I can't, my friend should be back any minute now." Tsuzuki replied cutely with a forced smile. No? Was it possible this woman was blowing him off? Impossible.  
  
"I see."  
  
"It's probably best if you weren't here when he got back." Tsuzuki added sincerely. A male friend then. Did she think this was all just some elaborate pick-up line? . . . which technically it was, but that was aside from the point.  
  
"I'm quite serious about your ankle, it could be broken." In fact, it was definitely broken, he'd made sure of that himself when he'd examined it. "Please. . . if the pain doesn't recede, come and see me." He replied casually passing her his card, with nothing that could be mistaken for anything other than the concern of a doctor for a patient. He was good. He was very, very good.  
  
"Sankyuu!" Tsuzuki responded merrily pocketing the card as the good doctor backed off barely hiding a smirk. As soon as she tried to walk on that ankle she'd have to come to the hospital and he wanted to be there when she arrived - not to mention he had a murder to schedule.  
  
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Tsuzuki was celebrating his impromptu under cover mission with apple pie a la mode when Hisoka came in. . . and you didn't have to be an empath to feel the waves of anger rolling off the boy.  
  
'They're women's shoes dammit! Why would they be for me?' The attendant had helpfully suggested a slightly larger size.  
  
He didn't know why, but he'd been overpowered by the need to find the perfect set of pumps to match Tsuzuki's handbag. If he ever found out who or what had cast the suggestion spell on him they'd be.. be. . . Tsuzuki- kitsune was licking the last of the ice-cream from the spoon with relish, much to the delight of the male patronage of the café which seemed to be mesmerized watching HIS partner eat.  
  
"Ba. . . Baka! I thought I told you to keep your foot..!" He stopped suddenly, pointing a somewhat shaky, accusatory finger. "ki-Ki- KISUMAAKU!!!" 


	3. 3

"Hisoka. . . are you mad at me?"  
  
"Baka, why would I be mad?" Replied Hisoka sarcastically, flipping through the menu. Actually, he was more angry and astonished with himself for spending nearly a full hour looking at shoes. Justifying a pair of women's pumps to Tatsumi was going to be even more fun. Unfortunately, sarcasm was lost on Tsuzuki.  
  
"Good! Because I did something you won't like while you were gon~ITAI!!"  
  
"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka stumbled back in surprise from the sudden rush of fear, looking up in surprise from examining Tsuzuki's ankle into the pain filled expression of his partner. "This looks worse than when I left!" He admonished, a little harsher (perhaps) than necessary.  
  
"Eto. . . " Tsuzuki was cutely pointing her index fingers together in a look of piety while trying to break the news of their mutual acquaintance being involved.  
  
"I think it's broken!" Now Hisoka was really concerned. . . Tsuzuki was not one to hide minor physical wounds... in a normal world he'd be rolling around on the floor howling in pain by now. Sure he'd read once that women had a higher pain threshold than men but still - this was Tsuzuki!  
  
"Ano. . . " Ne. . . Hisoka. Muraki came here and gave me this hickey! He didn't recognize me! I got the definite impression he wanted to kill me! You remember Muraki, right? That homicidal killer that tortured and ultimately killed you? . . . . Sure it sounded easy in theory.  
  
"Tsuzuki?" Questioned Hisoka waving a hand in front of his oblivious partner's face. "Are you listening? I said it's broken!"  
  
"Ohhhh. . . ?" Slurred Tsuzuki lost in thought. "That's what Muraki said too. . . " Eep.  
  
### ### ### ###  
  
"Weally Hisoka. . . he knose something. . . iz never coinshidence to find Muraki working in a hoshpital jusht blocks from a murder shene." 323 fanfic authors couldn't be wrong. The overall effect of the statement was lost however due to the spoon still hanging out of Tsuzuki's mouth. Unfortunately for Hisoka it didn't affect the validity of the statement.  
  
Hisoka wondered just when he'd lost control of the conversation.. possibly just after the spoon went in.  
  
"Well it's a pity you're not yourself right now or you could just go in and ask him." Hisoka intoned with just a hint of jealousy.  
  
"Shtrue. . . " Not to mention he might be a bit ticked about the last time I tried to kill him. . . again. . . conceded Tsuzuki. "Still. . . " Hisoka thanked Kami the spoon was out again. "I can just walk in. . . I was practically invited after all. . . "  
  
Tsuzuki. . . you're a shinigami. . . go immaterial or something. You're not a vampire. . . you don't need to be invited. It's a hospital. . . you have an injury. . . you don't need an invitation. Are you listening to me Tsuzuki? Sigh.  
  
### ### ### ###### ### ### ###### ### ### ###### ### ### ###**  
  
  
  
Hisoka scowled at Tsuzuki's back.  
  
"Secret aaaaagent maaan! Secret aaaaagent maaan!" Sang Tsuzuki obliviously.  
  
"Shut up Tsuzuki."  
  
"Really Hisoka, it's going to work. . . he totally didn't recognize me! Now if you'd just teach me to act a bit more girly so I don't give myself away. . . "  
  
"BA. . . BAKA! I DO NOT ACT LIKE A GIRL!"  
  
"Ah. . . did I say 'girly'? Uhmmm. . . " Contemplated Tsuzuki. "I mean. . . well you knew that thing about keeping your knees together and ahaha. . . you're just so much more observant than me! I have no manners whatsoever!!" Tsuzuki covered in what he hoped was a smooth way. It seemed to be working. Seemed. Maybe compromise really was the way to go.  
  
"Okay. . . forget the etiquette stuff. . . just teach me to be an ice- queen like you so he doesn't try to get too close!"  
  
No. . . I don't believe we will be reasonable today, old chap.  
  
### ### ### ###  
  
Good lord. It was starting to freak him out how much this woman reminded him of his Tsuzuki. And things just didn't tend to freak him out. No. Being a homicidal maniac type serial killer tended to ruin the chill factor of basically everything else. If her eye's were just purple she'd. . . wait. . . she hadn't removed those damn sunglasses since she got here, and he was almost certain she'd worn them the whole time at the café. Yes. . . looking into her undoubtedly plain brown or maybe ugly green eyes would banish this horribly familiar feeling.  
  
"Is there something wrong with your eyes?" Asked the good. . . er. . . evil doctor curiously.  
  
"Eh. . . ? Oh. . . " Tsuzuki ran a few different explanations through his head in an attempt to, as Hisoka put it, 'think before speaking'. : 'I have an eye infection' - 'He's a doctor!' replied imaginary-Hisoka flailing his chibi fists. 'I had an accident. . . black eye!' - 'Baka! He'll want to examine it!' 'I'm sensitive to light.' - 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you even listening to what I'm saying?'  
  
'I'm a member of a secret organization. . . I like to look suspicious?' - '. . . '  
  
"I stayed out late last night drinking and I don't want anyone to see my bloodshot eyes?"  
  
"Oh? Birth, Marriage. . . or Death? Ahahahaha." Muraki laughed to himself at his private joke.  
  
"Death. Ahahahahaha."  
  
*Sweatdrop*  
  
They glared at each other suspiciously, each wondering just how much the other knew or had figured out.  
  
". . . I could give you some drops for that." Muraki pouted.  
  
"No! No! It's fine. . . ahahaha. . . I'm practically an alcoholic so I'm used to it!"  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Ah?" Repeated Tsuzuki indignantly.  
  
"Well. . . I am a doctor. . . it is my place to disapprove of such things."  
  
"Pff. Like a pack a day smoker like you should be able to talk."  
  
"Sorry?" Asked Muraki, looking up from Tsuzuki's foot.  
  
Belatedly Tsuzuki slapped his knees together as imaginary-Hisoka ranted about personal space in his head. Tsuzuki couldn't help blushing. . . the little guy was so cute when he was angry. Aw heck.. he was cute most of the time. Alright. . . alright. . . he was cute ALL the time. . . happy?  
  
"I'm afraid I might have exaggerated a bit when I said this was broken." Muraki stated. No. . . he was sure it had broken. . . he broke it himself!  
  
"I heal fast." She shrugged.  
  
"Unusually so." Was this where all that spiritual energy was going? Enough strength to make the Sumeragi blush to fix scrapes and bruises on some bimbo? What a waste. . . nice legs though. . . Muraki was overcome with a deep-seated desire to slap himself.  
  
"So. . . hmm. . . uhm. . . ever seen a ghost?" Asked Tsuzuki getting a little nervous at the way the doctor was examining his leg. Perhaps 'ogling' would be the better descriptor.  
  
### ### ### ###  
  
"The Sakura grove near the hospital." Stated Tsuzuki proudly flashing the victory sign.  
  
"That's. . . not really a surprise. . . it's always the Sakura Grove."  
  
"Quit bitching Hisoka." Is what Tsuzuki would like to have said.  
  
"Muraki said a ghost has been appearing there at night for a few days now." He said instead.  
  
"Tsuzuki. . . did you bring up ghosts first?"  
  
"Um. . . yes?"  
  
"So. . . Muraki comes up with a story of a ghost that only appears at night after you express an interest in ghosts?"  
  
"Ummmm. . . ."  
  
"That only appears at night in a dark and secluded place?"  
  
"Ayuuu. . . "  
  
Hisoka slapped his forehead in appreciation of Tsuzuki's stupidity.  
  
"Demo. . . if we know it's a trap it's not a trap at all, right?"  
  
Damn Tsuzuki's new-found woman's logic! There was still a chance though if. . . No! Not her!  
  
The bitch piku-piku'd up at Hisoka cutely.  
  
"Fine. Let's go check into the hotel for now and we'll investigate tonight." He conceded bitterly.  
  
Kitsuzuki 2 : Hisoka 0. 


	4. 4

Something was wrong. Hisoka never ever let him eat things from the mini bar before. Tsuzuki half-heartedly ate the rest of the chocolate and nuts. . . they just didn't taste as good without someone telling you not to. Tsuzuki, in an attempt to return them to their full-flavored glory had tried to conjure an imaginary Tatsumi.. but it just wasn't the same. He looked morosely at the half eaten chocolate bar, considered not finishing it at all. . . 'Who am I to deny my nature?' He stuffed the rest of into his mouth.  
  
Watching.  
  
Watching. . . but not scolding.  
  
It had been like this for about an hour now.  
  
Poor little guy. . . he'd had quite the shock earlier when the hotel had got their twin booking messed up and tried to give them a double. Well it was all a mistake but it got sorted out and they got a twin after all. Really Tatsumi would have accepted the extra cost of the room without too much complaint since the place was pretty cheap anyway. And now Hisoka was all stressed out and acting weird. He'd been hissing at people! Hissing!  
  
"Hisoka?"  
  
No response. . . he wasn't even pretending to read a book like usual.  
  
"Ne. . . Hisoka?"  
  
"Ha. . . Hai?"  
  
Tsuzuki frowned. Now Hisoka was all flushed and stuttering. . . was he getting sick? Was there something Muraki had done? Tsuzuki decided exactly what he needed to do.  
  
"I think we should get some sleep. So we won't be tired and stuff."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hisoka was having the most wonderful dream.  
  
He was asleep (as you tend to be) and Tsuzuki came over and said something. . . and hugged him, and touched his face.  
  
"I hope you feel better soon 'Soka."  
  
But. . . I feel fine.  
  
"Don't get too angry with me."  
  
This isn't how this dream usually went, Hisoka thought with irritation. . . there was usually a lot less talking and a lot more... Angry, why would I be angry? Unless. . . you did something. . .  
  
Hisoka sat bolt upright in bed. Reaching out empathically. . . nothing. He could pinpoint the couple two doors down and the manager in his office but.. Tsuzuki had left the building. Angrily he pulled the sleep fuda off his forehead, wondering if Tsuzuki had mispelt it. . . but apart from the shockingly poor Kanji, it looked fine. . . yet curiously it had neither worked nor disintegrated.  
  
. . . and what was that god-awful ringing in his ears? Sheepishly he answered the phone.  
  
"Bon! I'm glad I caught you!" Exclaimed Watari on the other end of the line.  
  
"Watari."  
  
Watari could have shivered at the sound of Hisoka's voice, if he wasn't completely oblivious to such things. Not to mention like most of the people at the office he'd grown immune to Hisoka's... erm... attitude.  
  
"PMS?" He wanted to ask. Instead he settled for "Bon! You have to warn Tsuzuki for me, I don't think his ofuda will work in his current. . . er. . . form!"  
  
"WHAT?!?!" Screamed Hisoka through the phone. "Why?"  
  
"Because it's essential to the plot line!"  
  
"But he's gone to face Muraki alone! He could be killed!"  
  
"It's not all bad Bon, he can still.. . . Bon? Bon?" Watari tried desperately but Hisoka had already left trying to intercept Tsuzuki. Baka desu.  
  
******************************************** * * * *  
  
Sneakers it seemed are called sneakers cos they were good for doing sneaky things. Things like spying and stuff. Tsuzuki congratulated himself (again) for the burst of brilliance that had suggested he use Hisoka's shoes instead of his own. . . after all they were about the same size now. Maybe if he stayed this way forever they could share shoes. Tsuzuki was always losing shoes. . . not to mention socks. Hisoka's socks always matched. This could be a very good thing indeed.  
  
.. . . and after all it wasn't like he wouldn't be back before Hisoka even knew he was gone. He giggled to himself as he imagined Hisoka's face when he returned, case solved. He'd probably say something like:  
  
"Baka! I told you not to go out on your own!"  
  
or  
  
"Idiot! You risked yourself and the mission - AGAIN!"  
  
or maybe  
  
"I'm glad to see you found some more practical footwear."  
  
Hehehehehe. . . . wait. . . . Hisoka would never say that last one. Sweatdrop. Mortified, Tsuzuki climbed out of the bush he'd convinced himself he had been hiding in up till now. Well. Maybe it would have been better to go with the invisible thing after all. And maybe he should have been paying attention - the guy was dressed in white. . . which did kind of make him super visible even in low light. . .  
  
"Ano. . . "  
  
"I apologize. . . " Because I'm going to kill you shortly. "I should have realized sooner that telling you that story would make you come here. There are bad elements in this area at night." Like. . . oh I don't know. . . psychopathic serial killers?  
  
"TSUZUKI?" Yelled Hisoka running through the bushes into the opening. Muraki, a little surprised by the sudden outburst drew a switchblade to his now-hostage.  
  
"De ja vu, Oya?"  
  
A tumbleweed skittered by.  
  
Hisoka had a theory about tumbleweeds. They were neither native to Japan nor particularly prevalent. Yet whenever an extremely tense moment was occurring one seemed to tumble by. A low-level shikigami perhaps? Well heck. . . if Rico was a cactus. . .  
  
The tumbleweed was blown another few meters before it pooped out of existence.  
  
Five minutes later Muraki and Hisoka were still eyeing each other warily. Muraki looked at his watch disapprovingly. Before raising a speculative eyebrow at Hisoka.  
  
Sweatdrop.  
  
"If he was coming he'd already be here." Hisoka explained nervously.  
  
"Ah." Muraki nodded, the boy wasn't lying. He seemed to think about this a bit before sighing. "I suppose I'll have to take you hostage too."  
  
"Shouldn't one of us stay here to pass along the message to this guy you're waiting for?" Asked Tsuzuki hopefully. That was the thing about hostages. . . the bad guy only really needed one alive so tended to kill the other one as an example. Muraki seemed to consider this for a moment.  
  
"No. . . I think a message should suffice." After all two hostages were better than one. He took out a prescription pad and pen, deftly turning Tsuzuki around so he could lean against her back to write it.  
  
"Can I read it?" Asked Tsuzuki when he'd done.  
  
"No." Muraki stated firmly, the tiniest hint of a blush on his cheeks.  
  
"It might need to be spell checked or something. . . " Suggested Tsuzuki.  
  
"No!"  
  
".. . . you just don't want me to see the little hearts!" Sniffed Tsuzuki.  
  
"There are no hearts!"  
  
"I could feel the pen! There was too!" Accused Tsuzuki.  
  
".. . . you do realize I'm probably going to kill you, right?"  
  
"I definitely got that impression after you drew the knife on me. . . "  
  
"So shutup and let me finish my ransom note."  
  
"Ooh. . . . So it's a ransom note now.. . . what are you going to ask for?" Asked Tsuzuki raising her pinkie to the corner of her mouth. "One million doll.. . . erk." Muraki, sick of the constant babble now had Tsuzuki in a headlock, which didn't apparently shut her up, but at least reduced it to furious mumbling. Definitely an improvement.  
  
"Well come along Oya." Chided Muraki pinning the note (discretely folded over) to a Sakura tree.  
  
".. . . you expect me to just follow you willingly?"  
  
Muraki glared at him.  
  
"You can come willingly or I can make you come.. . . which I did understand causes you pain. Normally I wouldn't mind causing you pain, but I'm a little preoccupied right now." He replied tensely as Tsuzuki sunk her teeth into his arm. . . .. again.  
  
******************* * * * * * * *  
  
"Baka! I told you not to go out on your own!" Hissed Hisoka as soon as Muraki had left the room, presumably to go medicate those bitemarks.  
  
"Demo. . . . How was I to know my Fuda wouldn't work on him? Or you?" Wailed Tsuzuki, tears starting to flow.  
  
Muraki re-entered the room moments later. Ah good. Obviously the boy had explained the situation since the girl was finally starting to act like a real hostage.  
  
************** * * * * * * *  
  
"Ah! Too tight! Too tight!" Cried Tsuzuki as an increasingly irritated Muraki tried to tie her wrists.  
  
"At least you get to keep your dignity!" Moaned Hisoka who had been stripped down to just his jeans and tied to the wall (with human hair) in Muraki's makeshift basement-come-torture chamber.  
  
Muraki was wondering if perhaps gags weren't in order.  
  
"Couldn't you just.. . . not tie me.. . . I won't try to escape. . . . Much.. . . " Tried Tsuzuki huskily in that shojo way with flower petals and tears and everything. Chibi-imaginary-Hisoka currently had his howitzer pointed at his own head. Baka desu.  
  
Muraki was regretting not having a greater quantity of female hair right now, since the vixen was obviously exerting some power over him. He just wanted to hug her and squeeze her and love her to death. Well the death part was in character but the rest. . . .  
  
"What the hell are you doing? Stay away from her!" Screamed real Hisoka as Muraki came dangerously close to touching his Tsuzuki again.  
  
Twitchmark. No.. . . two hostages definitely had its disadvantages too. Thankfully a loud crash from outside diverted his attention.  
  
"Well it's about friggin' time." Murmured Muraki going to investigate.  
  
************* * * * *  
  
"Bon! Tsuzuki!" Exclaimed Watari throwing the door open.  
  
"WA~TA~RI!!" Two sets of watery eyes fastened lovingly on their savior. For about a microsecond.  
  
"This is all your fault!"  
  
"Did you bring anything to eat?"  
  
"Did you come alone?"  
  
"Erm. . . . not exactly.. . . 003 is outside creating a diversion so I could come rescue you. . . I figured something like this might happen!" He nodded to himself as if this was all just part of the greater experiment, which knowing Watari, it might well have been.  
  
"Untie me!" Begged Tsuzuki, still in shojo mode, causing Watari to stumble in fear.  
  
"That's.. . . really impressive Tsuzuki.. . . you've adapted better than I calculated. . . . But then I guess you had Hisoka to help.. . . "  
  
"JUST UNTIE US ALREADY!" Yelled Hisoka not liking what that inference was inferring.  
  
"Hai, hai!" Replied Watari in that genki way that not even being in a psychopath's basement-come-torture chamber trying to rescue victims could dampen.  
  
"How did you find us?" Asked Tsuzuki.  
  
"Ah. Well when I rang Bon earlier and told him there may be. . . . complications. . . . with your fuda he mentioned Muraki so I just went to the nearest Sakura Grove and there was this naughty letter telling me where to go. . . . well actually telling Tsuzuki, but you get the point!"  
  
"Aha! I knew it was something nasty.. . . " Snickered Tsuzuki.  
  
Muraki, with a major twitchmark on one temple grabbed the letter from the scientist with the hand that wasn't holding a squawking 003.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" He asked coldly. Was this the boyfriend?  
  
"Aha! I'm a shinigami too!"  
  
Muraki looked unimpressed.  
  
"Take this! My special ability!" Watari took out a pad of paper and a pencil drawing a stick figure and holding it triumphantly in front of Muraki's face. Said stick figure flipped Muraki the bird.  
  
Muraki still looked unimpressed.  
  
*********** * * * * * *  
  
"I had a harder time restraining the vermin." He confided to Tsuzuki as he tied the third hostage alongside Hisoka. 003 had given up trying to escape as well it seemed and had flown into the rafters to await her masters return to the land of the conscious. 


	5. 5

"Smoking is bad for your health." Stated Tsuzuki matter of factly into the silence.  
  
"Eh?" Asked Muraki absently.  
  
"It says so right here on the packet! Smoking kills!"  
  
Muraki absently exhaled in Tsuzuki's direction.  
  
"Ahh!! You're killing me with your passive smoke!" Screamed Tsuzuki coughing cutely.  
  
"Stop nagging. I'm holding you hostage and will probably kill you sometime later. Passive smoke is the least of your worries".  
  
'Especially since you're already dead.' Thought Hisoka, rolling his eyes.  
  
". . . ." Tsuzuki tossed aside the empty cigarette packet. "Well maybe if you had TV down here I wouldn't be so bored!"  
  
". . . .I'm definitely going to kill you first." Responded Muraki showing signs of agitation.  
  
". . . .I'd settle for some magazines. Ones with colour pictures. You're a doctor right? Doctors always have magazines."  
  
"This isn't a waiting room." Muraki looked rather depressed at the empty pack of cigarettes and out of need to be doing something polished his glasses again.  
  
"Well we sure are going to be waiting a long time so maybe you should consider getting the magazines at least."  
  
"Why do you say that?" Inquired Muraki.  
  
"Because I'm bored and need something to do!" She whined.  
  
Sweatdrop.  
  
"I meant why do you think we'll be waiting." Twitchmark. Twitchmark. Twitchmark.  
  
"Well duh! How's anyone going to find us, let alone this guy you're waiting for, when you have the instructions!" Tsuzuki pointed out to a frowning Muraki.  
  
"That's.. . . the most intelligent thing you've said all night." Remarked an astonished Muraki.  
  
"Thankyou." Beamed Tsuzuki. "It's really hard to make conversation with psycho killers and stuff, but I am really trying. . . "  
  
*************** * * * * * * *  
  
"Hisoka!" Whispered Tsuzuki when Muraki left the room to retrieve his coat. White and dirty basements-come-torture chambers did not mix.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I have a plan!" Tsuzuki remarked gleefully.  
  
"Tsuzuki. . . is your plan to wait until the potion wears off then rescue us?"  
  
"Er.. . . maybe."  
  
"I thought it might be." Tsuzuki tugged ineffectively at the hair that bound his two comrades.  
  
"It shouldn't be too hard. . . but if you guys get the chance to escape before then it would be better." Admitted Tsuzuki, pointing her index fingers together cutely.  
  
"How long did Watari say it would take to wear off anyway?"  
  
"One day, maybe two."  
  
Hisoka had his suspicions that Tsuzuki would be pushed to stay 'in character' for another hour, let alone two days.  
  
"Well.. . . it's nice to see you're all getting acquainted." Remarked Muraki re-entering the room.  
  
"Eto. . . ." Tsuzuki dropped the few strands of hair she'd managed to break away before scooting across the room to her former position, slipping the rope back over her wrists.  
  
Twitchmark.  
  
"Sakiyuta!" Declared Tsuzuki.  
  
"I beg your pardon?" Replied Muraki genuinely confused.  
  
"It's my name! I decided!" Hisoka groaned, how could anyone be so damned genki in this situation. . . on second thought Watari who was still unconsciousness, was grinning maniacally just feet away. "You didn't ask, so I'm telling you." Chided Tsuzuki.  
  
"Ah." Replied Muraki noncommittally.  
  
Tsuzuki smiled obliviously, proud of his made-up name. "I was going to use Watasoka. . . but it sounded too much like a gaijin water park."  
  
"Baka! You're not meant to justify a fake name!" Bitched Hisoka.  
  
"Eh? Oh. . . .. hahaha. . . forget that last bit then, neeee?" Supplied Tsuzuki to Muraki cutely. Hisoka was disgusted. Did she have to do everything so damned cutely?  
  
"Lets go." Muraki held the door open.  
  
Tsuzuki looked around the room expectantly, before pointing at herself. "Who? Me?"  
  
"You are the only one in the room not currently tied to a wall." Pointed out Hisoka.  
  
"Demo... . . " and the lip was stuck out and quivering again. "I wanna stay here and rescue the hostages while you're gone!" Tsuzuki begged Muraki. "Onegai shimasu?"  
  
************************************ * * * * * * * *  
  
"Well. . . that could have been handled better." Remarked Watari once he was sure they were gone.  
  
"How long have you been awake anyway?" Asked Hisoka incuriously.  
  
Watari shrugged. "A while. I must admit. . . I've always been curious as to exactly how your missions go." He tugged at his bound wrists with no effect. "So. . . this is what it feels like to be you, Bon."  
  
"It's not like I always get caught." Hisoka sniffed indignantly. "Just. . . sometimes. . . . . . this isn't the time to discuss it."  
  
"Hmm. I have our escape all planned out. . . " Declared Watari. "003!" The little owl peered down from the rafters. "Chew through Hisoka's hair!" The owl blinked a few times before fluttering down onto Hisoka's head and pulling with her beak.  
  
"Argh!! Make her stop!" Hisoka yelped.  
  
"No! No 003!" Corrected Watari and the little owl looked up confused. It wasn't such a good idea after all. . . .. it would have taken 003 all night to chew through the hair barrier anyway. "Ah!" He exclaimed noticing Muraki's switchblade on the table. "The knife 003! Use the knife!"  
  
Hisoka screamed.  
  
************** * * * * * * * *  
  
Muraki was wondering how he'd been talked into this. Somehow it had seemed perfectly reasonable to buy magazines. Then cheesecake. . . .. then pastries. . . . . . donuts. . . . . Despite being a habitual night stalker and killer and stuff he'd had no idea so many bakeries were open this late at night. His companion. . . .. er. . . .. hostage had explained this was normal since most places baked at night.  
  
Hostages, it seemed, did not carry money. They also refused to carry their own purchases. Now she was scanning the schedule at a theatre. She traced her finger to the centre of the page before Muraki interrupted.  
  
"This isn't a date." He pointed out acerbically.  
  
"I know. . . I'm just trying to buy time for the other hostages to escape." She shrugged. "There's nothing on at this time of night anyway." Except slasher films and porno. . . .. . . but that's someone else's fic.  
  
Twitchmark.  
  
"We're going back NOW."  
  
"What?! But I don't have any....uhm. . . . uhm. . . ." Tsuzuki tried desperately to think of something. . . .. "Flowers! You should get some flowers for your friend!" Yes! Muraki almost always gave Tsuzuki roses. "Yeah! I know I saw a florist open here somewhere. . . " She dragged Muraki off down the street again.  
  
******* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Aw crap!" Exclaimed Tsuzuki. "You guys are STILL here? I THOUGHT you were going to escape!" She tapped one foot on the floor impatiently as Muraki staggered over to the other corner with the packages which consisted of mostly cake, stuffed animals and flowers. She picked up a dazed 003 from the floor. "What happened to her while I was gone?"  
  
". . . .Bon headbutted her." Watari explained sadly.  
  
". . . .and what happened to him?" Hisoka. Also unconscious.. . . and sporting a very unusual haircut.  
  
"Fainted from bloodloss." Replied Watari.  
  
"Ah.. . . I see. . . .." She nodded in acceptance of the double KO. Watari wondered just how much Tsuzuki could possibly put together form those two facts, but then he was amazed at Tsuzuki's form of logic in general.  
  
". . . ..Muraki bought you all that?" Asked Watari a little surprised.  
  
"Nope!" Sniggered Tsuzuki. "Some of it's for Tsuzuki." They both started cackling insanely until the genuinely insane (or lets just say psychotic for the sake of argument) person in the room cleared his throat meaningfully.  
  
"But really Watari. . . I did think you'd have figured out how to escape by now. . . "  
  
Muraki cleared his throat again.  
  
"Oh shut up. You can't really have hostages and not expect them to discuss an escape plan! Sheesh." Exasperated at Watari's lack of a plan Tsuzuki retired to his snacks pouting furiously (albeit cutely).  
  
************************* * * * * * * * * * * * 


	6. 6

Muraki was definitely getting the impression Tsuzuki wasn't coming. This feeling was only seconded by the feeling Tsuzuki was nearby. A curious conundrum indeed.  
  
On the one hand, his hostages didn't seem overly concerned for their safety. A sign help was on the way. . . but then on the other, he had no guarantee who or what kind of help they night expect. The boy had passed out for some odd reason. The blond man. . . well who really knew . . . The brunette seemed to be incredibly naïve. . . and suffering from some sort of eating disorder if the amount of food she could consume was anything to go by.  
  
Sigh. Look at watch.  
  
Closing the medical journal he'd been pretending to read and putting it aside he stretched and stood. The brunette acknowledged the movement and watched with apprehension as he walked over to the still unconscious boy.  
  
"Hey! What are you doing?" She demanded (no, not Hisoka, Tsuzuki).  
  
"I'm bored." Well. That explained everything. No reprisals there.  
  
"Here." Kitsune Tsuzuki handed him the least gaudy looking magazine in the pile, or rather, that was, the one that appealed to Tsuzuki least.  
  
Muraki looked at the magazine distastefully.  
  
Manga? Nope.  
  
Cake? Nope.  
  
Candy? Nope.  
  
. . . Some people were just too damned hard to please.  
  
Tsuzuki had real tears of regret in her eyes as she offered the last slice of delicious delicious apple pie. . . Nope?  
  
Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! It was impossible!! Would nothing tempt this evil evil man? Tsuzuki had a flash of inspiration.  
  
"Ne. . . Muraki-sensei. . . " Tsuzuki ripped Watari's shirt open to reveal his chest. "Look! Look!" She patted her hands in what she hoped was a suggestive way on Watari's chest.  
  
"Why do *I* have to be the sacrificial lamb?" Wailed Watari writhing beneath Tsuzuki's cold hands.  
  
"Well isn't it obvious? You're a guy!" Tsuzuki whispered conspiratorially. "Besides, it is all your fault anyway. . . "  
  
Sweatdrop.  
  
"It isn't working." Watari pointed out.  
  
Tsuzuki looked around desperately for anything else to distract the doctor.  
  
"Ehm. . . boku wa. . . sexy desu ka?" She tried huskily, winking suggestively at Muraki.  
  
The occupants of the room watched a particularly out of place tumbleweed skittle by cursing in exceptionally poor Spanish.  
  
"You'll regret this later!" Tsuzuki whined, pointing an accusatory finger at the unresponsive doctor. She stormed back to the forte, furiously reducing a chocolate gateaux to nothing while giving Muraki the evil eye.  
  
Muraki, being evil himself, actually found this rather endearing. He may even be tempted if he didn't already like someone else. . . not that that ever stopped him before, but he didn't usually have an audience consisting of the expected's work colleagues either, and gossip just had such a way of getting round the office.  
  
************** * * * * *  
  
For such a small boy, Hisoka had extremely good . . . retentive powers. Tsuzuki mused. Muraki had held Hisoka captive for days before, but he'd managed to never. . . soil himself. It had been over 6 hours now and Muraki hadn't asked if anyone needed to use the facilities . . . was this too some insane form of torture?  
  
Watari's special potions never wore off early . . . sometimes they lasted longer, but never early. . . Watari said he could calculate the absolute minimum amount of time it would take to neutralize the active ingredients . . . or something like that anyway, Tsuzuki hadn't really been listening at the time. Point to be made?  
  
Sigh. Look at watch.  
  
There was a minimum of seven hours to go.  
  
It was very unlikely Tsuzuki could hold on for seven hours. At least seven hours.  
  
Tsuzuki had already been holding on for four hours.  
  
Four hours was a pretty remarkable achievement really.  
  
'You should have gone before you left the hotel.' Chided chibi-Hisoka. Chibi Watari laughed maniacally in his chibi-rope shackles and chibi-Muraki in his cutely oversized trenchcoat flashed him.  
  
Tsuzuki prayed that he was hallucinating that last one. Taking another swig of cola he tried to come up with the best plan for approaching the doctor for toilet privileges. Thinking hurt. Absently he read the side of the can. Caffeine! Yes! Caffeine always helped him think! Caffeine is an anti- diuretic. What the hell was an anti-diuretic anyway?  
  
*********************** * * * * * * * * *  
  
Watari and Hisoka cheered at what they presumed was Tsuzuki physically attacking Muraki (finally). As if wonders would never cease it actually seemed to be working too. Probably just the advantage of the surprise attack - but Tsuzuki had Muraki pinned against the wall by his shirt collar.  
  
'How ironic that I finally beat you with just physical strength alone, to protect my very important partner'. Tsuzuki purred before snapping the doctors' neck. 'You'll never hurt the one I love again. . . ' and Hisoka was running in slow motion into Tsuzuki's arms and . . . Hisoka shook his head to dispel the vision vowing never to read another Mills & Boone novel.  
  
'. . . and finally thanks to the brilliance of this incredibly intelligent man I'm able to end this,' Tsuzuki pointed at Watari. 'He's twice the medical practitioner you'll ever be.' Tsuzuki purred before snapping the doctors' neck. And Watari was running in slow motion into Tsuzuki's arms and. . . . Watari shook his head to dispel the vision vowing to read more Mills & Boone novels.  
  
'Lets just kill the hostages and have wild sex on the floor in their slowly congealing blood!' Muraki shook his head to dispel the vision vowing never to take hostages again.  
  
"Where's the goddamn toilet?" Demanded the real Tsuzuki furiously shaking the surprised doctor.  
  
Facefault x 3.  
  
"Second door." Indicated Muraki. She disappeared in the direction implied with a speed born of desperation.  
  
Muraki with nothing better to do followed.  
  
*************** * * * * *  
  
"Maaa. . . my arms ache!" Whined Watari to Hisoka. "When is Tsuzuki going to rescue us?"  
  
"Baka. We'd have better chances if you send 003 after Muraki with the knife!" Hisoka glowered. Unfortunately Muraki had confiscated 003's weapon of choice earlier.  
  
"Why do you say that?" Asked Watari confused. "Tsuzuki can still. . . "  
  
"What? Use his feminine prowess to catch him off guard and kick him in the groin?" Snapped Hisoka sullenly. It wouldn't work. Hisoka knew, he'd tried it himself once.  
  
"Ano. . . That might work, but I don't think Tsuzuki would think of it." Speculated Watari. "I meant he can still summon his shikigami and. . ."  
  
"Tsuzuki can summon?" Screamed Hisoka, eye's bulging with disbelief.  
  
"Un. Technically he can still use fuda too, just there's some slight modifications in the script for a female. .. Hisoka? Hisoka? Are you listening?" Hisoka had turned a rather nasty shade of green. 


	7. 7

Muraki had officially been pushed over the edge. Why he hadn't done this sooner was beyond him as he tied up the only loose hostage.  
  
". . . but if I don't put nail polish on it it'll get bigger 'n bigger!" Pleaded Tsuzuki desperately , moving slightly, the run zipped all the way up his leg. "Ieee-mpph!" Gags were very good things. Muraki noted with amusement the hostage was wearing mismatched contacts, one a gaudy yellow smiley face, the other an eightball.  
  
"Why. . . " He started before being interrupted by a loud crash from outside, he noticed the rat with wings was missing again. He sighed in exasperation before going to investigate.  
  
************ * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"TSUZUKI!" Hissed Hisoka once he'd judged Muraki to be a safe distance away. "Watari says you can still summon shikigami!"  
  
"WHAAAAT?!?!" Demanded Tsuzuki, having slipped out of the ropes and removed the gag.  
  
"Where did you learn that Tsuzuki?"  
  
"This? It's a game me and Tatsumi play!" Grinned Tsuzuki dangling the rope. "He ties me down and I try to escape! I'm real good at it!" Tail wagging. "Tatsumi knows lots of different knots!"  
  
Hisoka's eyes were like saucers.  
  
"You. . . play this often?" Prodded Watari.  
  
"Iie. . ." Moaned Tsuzuki miserably. "Tatsumi says there's no point since I always win." Pout. "I think he's just a sore loser. . ." Tsuzuki considered this for a moment. "Maybe if I pretend to lose he wouldn't get so grumpy. . ." Tsuzuki nodded to himself happily. Maybe Tatsumi would even let Tsuzuki tie him up instead next time.  
  
"Like training, right?" Probed Hisoka. "So you can escape if you're captured!" Of course. Hahaha. . . how could he think otherwise.  
  
"Exactly!" Beamed Tsuzuki, helping Watari untie his wrists. "Mou. . . I guess this is why you're supposed to take off your clothes first." Tsuzuki tsk'd when Watari's sleeve ripped.  
  
"Watari! Help Hisoka!" Tsuzuki demanded turning serious. "Muraki could be back any second!" Watari nodded in agreement.  
  
"I pray to the twelve gods who protect me. . . show yourself before me. . . come Suzaku!"  
  
Suzaka appeared in her usual pyrotechnic show before switching to her human avatar looked at Tsuzuki coldly.  
  
"Whaaaaat?!?!?" He asked nervously beneath that cool glare.  
  
At a loss for words, she pointed in exasperation to Tsuzuki's. . . erm. . . newfound assets.  
  
"This? It's only temporary! Temporary!"  
  
". . . " She sniffed hautily and turned away.  
  
"I thought we were friends!" He cried miserably. So he did the next best thing, he summoned Byakko.  
  
"Tsuzuki!" Cheered Byakko ogling Tsuzuki. "For me? You shouldn't have!" Pounced the superior blade in his humanoid avatar. Glomp.  
  
"Yaghhhh!!!"  
  
So out of desperation he summoned more.  
  
Muraki, alerted to the screams of abject terror peeked into the basement, deciding discretion was the better part of valor when it came to a very small room full of very peeved shikigami. He fled.  
  
************** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Watari happily typed away at his laptop recording the gigs of data he'd been able to collect on his latest forage. Tsuzuki was resting in bed with multiple broken ribs - which probably would heal faster if Hisoka would just release his death grip. The boy hadn't let Tsuzuki go from the minute he'd been cut down from the wall. . . well not exactly the minute, first he'd dashed off to the bathroom, and then glomped Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki had been a male again for a couple of hours now but when Watari had tried to separate them Hisoka had tried to bite him.  
  
"Mine!" Snapped Hisoka, when Watari had the nerve to check on his patient. Watari supposed he had as much a claim as anyone to the sleeping man since he'd been the one to intervene between SohRyu and Byakko when he'd declared his intentions for 'the new-improved-Tsuzuki-chan'. Tsuzuki whimpered in his sedative induced sleep as Hisoka unwittingly tightened his grip. Watari winced as he heard a number of re-breaking ribs.  
  
************** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tatsumi was a little. . . confused over the events of the last day or so.  
  
Despite it being a rather routine mission for Hisoka and Tsuzuki, somehow it had been Watari who had ended up on Chijou and located the ghost of a nurse and talked her into moving on. There still seemed to be about 12 hours mission time unaccounted for. He'd confronted Hisoka already, leaving aside the fact he'd allowed Tsuzuki to consume the mini-bar, Tatsumi had been more interested to establish why Hisoka had needed to purchase a pair of italian leather pumps. The boy had stoically declared it was Tsuzuki's fault. . . while sliding his feet under the desk to cover the fact he was still wearing them. Who knew leather was so comfortable?  
  
In another instance, he'd been quite happily (under his usual guise of stoic precision) discussing accounts with Hakushaku when Tsuzuki had burst into his office wearing a bra and a very short skirt, much to the room's occupant's surprise and delight.  
  
"You let them do this to me!" Declared Tsuzuki, pointing an accusatory finger at Tatsumi, before 'eeping' and scrambling under the desk. Shortly Watari poked his head around the door.  
  
"Have you seen Tsuzuki. . . I have some chocolate for him." Watari stated calmly but with a distinctly evil resonance. . . Looking into those obsessed eyes Tatsumi decided to cut Tsuzuki some slack.  
  
"I haven't seen him since he left for his last mission." It was a lie, but having a half-dressed Inu-Tsuzuki crawling between one's legs tended to make lying not such a bad thing.  
  
Watari examined Tatsumi's slightly flushed face suspiciously. Was that movement under the desk? Oh my gawd! Was it possible Hakashaku and Tatsumi were playing footsie under there? Was there nothing that man wouldn't do to increase funding?!?!? Watari slowly backed out of the office with a newfound respect for the secretary.  
  
Tatsumi watched Watari meet with Saya and Yumi armed with identical pink housedresses. They synchronized watches before separating to find the target with smart salutes.  
  
Minutes of silence, Hisoka ran screaming down the corridor.. 003 with a sadistic grin fluttering behind, a paper clip in outstretched talons.  
  
"Is it safe?" Whimpered Tsuzuki, crawling out from under the desk.  
  
"H . . .hai. . . " Managed Tatsumi. Hakushaku was still on a scantily-clad- Tsuzuki-induced overdose, a small trail of blood leaking from one invisible nostril.  
  
"Watari has my clothes." Whined Tsuzuki, eyes huge and shiney with held back tears. "I managed to escape while 003 distracted them but. . ."  
  
"I have a spare set." Offered Tatsumi while wishing he knew how and why the situation came to be. He could ask, but that would ruin his all-knowing- secretary shtick. He produced the spare suit shortly at Tsuzuki's affirmative. As an after thought he produced a set of underwear from his desk drawer as well.  
  
"Sankyuu!" Beamed Tsuzuki looking around for somewhere to change, settling on Kanoe's office seeing as how it was open season on Tsuzuki's outside. He emerged minutes later in one of Tatsumi's suits, Tsuzukified with the shirt scruffily tucked in and the tie hung loosely. . . which of course Tatsumi corrected on instinct, not that it made much difference since the suit was still a few sizes too big. "Arigatou." Muttered Tsuzuki moodily pulling on the tie. "Demo. . . Tatsumi, why do you have a pair of my underwear?"  
  
"I'm a secretary Tsuzuki, it's my job."  
  
"Oh." Tsuzuki smiled as if this explained everything, much to Tatsumi's relief. "Could you make sure Wakaba gets these?" Tsuzuki slid the pile of discarded clothing to Tatsumi when he nodded. Peeking out the door, Inu- Tsuzuki saluted cutely before creeping off down the hallway. Separating the underwear, Tatsumi slipped it possessively into the drawer Tsuzuki's boxer's had previously occupied.  
  
"I want that bra!" Demanded Hakushaku once Tsuzuki was out of range.  
  
Tatsumi prepared for battle.  
  
**************** * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"I just saw the oddest thing. . . " Commented Kanoe coming out of his office were he'd just witnessed Tsuzuki enter, strip, change and leave without even an acknowledgement. Since when had his office become a changing room anyway?  
  
Kanoe sweatdropped as he saw something even more unusual, Tatsumi and Hakushaku brawling over what appeared to be a lacy pink bra.  
  
". . . Never mind." He managed wearily heading back to his office.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
XOX ********* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 


	8. epilogue

AN EPILOGUE! (maybe 1 of 2 - 'cos this story was way fun to write ^_^)  
  
Tatsumi could tolerate many things.  
  
The man had single handedly created more work for the division than any other phenomena since. . . well . . . since Tsuzuki last blew up a library.  
  
Tatsumi stole a quick glance at the 'Employee of the Month' plaques on the wall (Wakaba's idea) showing eight identical pictures of Hisoka (only employee to hand in paperwork on time/at all/of a readable quality) and one picture of Terazuma (well there never had been a plausible excuse for that pair of Italian leather pumps).  
  
Muraki had tortured and killed and tortured again (repeatedly) one of Tatsumi's valued employee's. Admittedly the original death had been necessary for Hisoka to become an employee, however that wasn't the point. The point was he could have tolerated this abuse of an employee with all the grace of indifference.  
  
Muraki's amorous advances on Tsuzuki, which Tatsumi continued his property were tolerated. Unofficially, this may have been largely in part to the fact that Tsuzuki required. . . ehm. . . comforting after such an incident (which Tatsumi was more than happy to provide). Officially this was because it was outside of the divisions jurisdiction to actively hunt the cause of stray souls - sure take care of them if they popped up during the mission, but go no further. It had always struck Tatsumi as a little uneconomical to not finish off the cause of their problems while they could, but then who was he to play EnmaDaioh?  
  
These things he could turn a blind eye to (as long as Muraki stayed within the bounds of the 'look but don't touch' principle anyway).  
  
But this! This was personal.  
  
****************** * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Kurosaki! Tsuzuki!"  
  
Tatsumi blinked in the normal course of blinks, that is to say, on average one blinks every six seconds, and Tatsumi was due. For that fraction of a second his vision was lost, however he could have sworn when he entered the office the duo shared, Hisoka had had a shocked fretting Tsuzuki pinned against his desk and . . . He looked from the somewhat dazed and confused Tsuzuki (not unusual) to the cold and irritated Hisoka (also not unusual) sitting at his own desk some number of meters away.  
  
"Is there something you wanted, Tatsumi-san?" Asked Hisoka innocently enough, glancing up from some paperwork.  
  
"Eto . . . " Tatsumi managed. He rubbed his eye's to remove the offensive afterimage of what MUST have been a hallucination.  
  
"Tatsumi. . . please. . . don't leave me. . . alone with. . . " managed Tsuzuki weekly before Hisoka pounced slapping a hand over his mouth.  
  
"Ahahha!" Laughed Hisoka with just an itty-bitty hint of insanity. "Gee Tsuzuki, paperwork isn't that bad!" Sweatdrop. "I'll even help you later!" Sweatdrop. Glance at Tatsumi to see if he buys it. Nervous twitch.  
  
". . . won't . . . let me sleep. . . "  
  
"You can sleep when you finish all your forms." Pushed Hisoka. "Yes forms. . . lots of forms!"  
  
". . yes sir. . ." Squeaked Tsuzuki when the 'comradely' hand Hisoka placed on Tsuzuki's back slowly started to move down in what might have been mistaken as a comforting gesture (if one happened to be raised in a Brothel in Bangkok for instance).  
  
"Actually. . . I wanted to talk to you about the reports from your last mission."  
  
Tatsumi frowned. He didn't know exactly how Hisoka had gotten Tsuzuki to do paperwork but he wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He was more concerned about the hand that was currently crossing the border and heading south. . .  
  
/blink/  
  
. . . and that sucker got all the way to Acapulco before reappearing benignly on Tsuzuki's shoulder again.  
  
". . . the. . . the reports. . ." Managed Tatsumi wiping furiously at his eyes for the second time.  
  
"Yes? The reports?" Asked Hisoka who had reappeared at his desk. When had the boy mastered teleportation anyway? Reminded he was here not just on business but company time, Tatsumi regained his usual bearing.  
  
"Perhaps you might know why I just received a hospital bill from one Muraki Kazutaka Sensei?" Tsuzuki's facefault was audible and ongoing (due to the way he was currently banging his head on his desk). "If I didn't know any better, I would think you both (well three really if you count Watari's involvement) I might think you were trying to hide something." Tatsumi homed in on the weak link of the two, who was cowering under his desk with a confession on his lips.  
  
"Aa. We did see him." Admitted Hisoka, "But his presence there wasn't related to the case so we didn't bother to mention it in the reports."  
  
Smooth. Way too smooth for someone who supposedly really, really hated the guy. Tatsumi turned to confront the boy who produced a form filled out with his perfect Kanji. Rustling though a pile of papers he produced one of Tsuzuki's and placed it along side so Tatsumi could get the full impact of the juxtaposition.  
  
Tatsumi wavered.  
  
". . . I suppose I could overlook it this time." Murmured Tatsumi in a trance.  
  
"I thought you might." Replied Hisoka who was busy molesting Tsuzuki behind Tatsumi's back.  
  
************ * * * * * * *  
  
"You don't have to do that anymore." Stated Watari morosely, referring to Tsuzuki's bento that looked like a gushonin for all the white ofuda stuck on it to prevent 'tampering'.  
  
This was a relief to Tsuzuki who had found most of his lunch break gone before he removed the majority of the kekkai.  
  
Watari had in fact discarded the idea of slipping the potion to Tsuzuki. This was in part due to the devastating effect on his psyche of having to see Konoe with breasts after Watari had spiked Tsuzuki's danish, only to have it confiscated at a staff meeting.  
  
The secondary consideration was Konoe's edict forbidding anymore non- consensual experimentation in the work place- life was cruel.  
  
Tsuzuki looked skeptical.  
  
Of course Konoe hadn't said anything about non-consensual experimentation **outside** the workplace.  
  
Tsuzuki shivered at the first rift of Watari's maniacal laughter. By the second he had fled.  
  
*********** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 


End file.
